Dallas Laird
Reese27Webs (Wacky Effing Bool Sheet)
December 23rd 2008 12:05
I cannot believe I watched this movie all the way through.
There were so many things wrong with this that I don’t even know where to start. I really don’t. Though Richard Grieco’s mullet was a constant reminder that they spent the film’s budget on putting breasts on a giant fake spider (BREASTS!) and decided against hiring a stylist. Or someone with a brain to write the script.
Out of curiousity, after the credits rolled, I went to imdb to see if anyone else had reviewed this anal wart of a tv movie, and to my surprise found someone defending it. Sure, they probably worked on it, or worse, wrote it, but ‘Hey, life is full of plotholes, right?’ is not justification for crap! And life is NOT full of plotholes! How is life full of plotholes?! What kind of inane faux-philosophical-crap-bull- shit question is that?! Not right! Wrong! Human behaviour may be illogical at times (case in point, the person responsible for funding this aneurysm) but life? Actually makes sense. Brutal, often times painful, sense. And Webs? Does not resemble sense at all.
The movie opens with four ‘electricians’ wearing bright orange reflective jackets (at night time, inside an office) who stumble upon some old science guy’s journal, spark some wires together and find a portal into another world. They go through, and one of them gets killed by what I thought was a retarded zombie, but turns out to be a human soldier of some giant spider queen who’s taken over the population of this parallel city and wants to get through to our world because she’s running out of people or something to that effect. Richard Grieco and his mullet get stuck in the dumb parallel city (which seems to be suspended completely separate from any kind of country or world and exists by itself) and because of some drunken ‘I Love Mom’ tattoo on his shoulder, he’s decreed as the Chosen One who will save them from the spider zombies.
Because he’s an electrician, see.
And of course there’s a love story between a lady survivor worried about being alone in a new world, and dumb mullet face. My only notes on them when I watched the movie: “These two have as much chemistry as a block of cheese in a wig and a beige sack with boobs.”
Speaking of boobs, you know who else apparently has them? Giant spider queens.
Anyway, everyone dies except for mullet face and beige lady survivor, and the climax of the film is him holding two wires together and trying to spark them, while he yells complicated electrician directions to the lady, who freaks out because she isn’t an electrician. Mmm and this is where the research behind the script shows, since complicated electrician directions amount to “Turn the dial on the left! On the left! Now the one of the right!” which is far too difficult for her delicate lady brain, obviously.
Big tits shows up frothing at the mouth and pincing at them, but oddly not moving toward them with her forearms raised threateningly like every spider I’ve ever encountered, and mullet face runs toward her and shoves the two ends of the wires near her boobs and, completing the circuit, makes another portal and they jump through and spider queen explodes anyway which technically means they just left an empty, though completely safe, city behind.
What happens next? Well, I consult my notes for the film’s conclusion. “They land on a beach, and make out while a sleazy guitar solos in the background.
Fakest beach I’ve ever seen. HAHAHAHA AND THEN THEY GET KILLED BY A GIANT BIRD/DINOSAUR.”
Really.
10 WTFs out of 10. Absolute bull crappery. Do not attempt to argue anything of merit towards this movie. You don’t need a big budget, or the best cast, or even believable special effects to make a movie at least somewhat enjoyable, but you do need a believable and/or engaging plot. By the by, if you’re going to put breasts on a creature that has no use for them, at least have the heart to give her some nipples.
There were so many things wrong with this that I don’t even know where to start. I really don’t. Though Richard Grieco’s mullet was a constant reminder that they spent the film’s budget on putting breasts on a giant fake spider (BREASTS!) and decided against hiring a stylist. Or someone with a brain to write the script.
Out of curiousity, after the credits rolled, I went to imdb to see if anyone else had reviewed this anal wart of a tv movie, and to my surprise found someone defending it. Sure, they probably worked on it, or worse, wrote it, but ‘Hey, life is full of plotholes, right?’ is not justification for crap! And life is NOT full of plotholes! How is life full of plotholes?! What kind of inane faux-philosophical-crap-bull- shit question is that?! Not right! Wrong! Human behaviour may be illogical at times (case in point, the person responsible for funding this aneurysm) but life? Actually makes sense. Brutal, often times painful, sense. And Webs? Does not resemble sense at all.
The movie opens with four ‘electricians’ wearing bright orange reflective jackets (at night time, inside an office) who stumble upon some old science guy’s journal, spark some wires together and find a portal into another world. They go through, and one of them gets killed by what I thought was a retarded zombie, but turns out to be a human soldier of some giant spider queen who’s taken over the population of this parallel city and wants to get through to our world because she’s running out of people or something to that effect. Richard Grieco and his mullet get stuck in the dumb parallel city (which seems to be suspended completely separate from any kind of country or world and exists by itself) and because of some drunken ‘I Love Mom’ tattoo on his shoulder, he’s decreed as the Chosen One who will save them from the spider zombies.
Because he’s an electrician, see.
And of course there’s a love story between a lady survivor worried about being alone in a new world, and dumb mullet face. My only notes on them when I watched the movie: “These two have as much chemistry as a block of cheese in a wig and a beige sack with boobs.”
Speaking of boobs, you know who else apparently has them? Giant spider queens.
Anyway, everyone dies except for mullet face and beige lady survivor, and the climax of the film is him holding two wires together and trying to spark them, while he yells complicated electrician directions to the lady, who freaks out because she isn’t an electrician. Mmm and this is where the research behind the script shows, since complicated electrician directions amount to “Turn the dial on the left! On the left! Now the one of the right!” which is far too difficult for her delicate lady brain, obviously.
Big tits shows up frothing at the mouth and pincing at them, but oddly not moving toward them with her forearms raised threateningly like every spider I’ve ever encountered, and mullet face runs toward her and shoves the two ends of the wires near her boobs and, completing the circuit, makes another portal and they jump through and spider queen explodes anyway which technically means they just left an empty, though completely safe, city behind.
What happens next? Well, I consult my notes for the film’s conclusion. “They land on a beach, and make out while a sleazy guitar solos in the background.
Fakest beach I’ve ever seen. HAHAHAHA AND THEN THEY GET KILLED BY A GIANT BIRD/DINOSAUR.”
Really.
10 WTFs out of 10. Absolute bull crappery. Do not attempt to argue anything of merit towards this movie. You don’t need a big budget, or the best cast, or even believable special effects to make a movie at least somewhat enjoyable, but you do need a believable and/or engaging plot. By the by, if you’re going to put breasts on a creature that has no use for them, at least have the heart to give her some nipples.
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Comment by jon
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